Unlearning Comes Before Learning
Towards the end of the year, I started to think about whether I should plan any learning for myself and, if so, what kind of specific learning that might be. I found myself wondering, should I be asking about new learning or should I first be pondering what I want to unlearn? And do I want to reflect on what I have already unlearned this year?
I’ve heard so many times from coaching students who took part in our programs, it’s not the learning that’s difficult and it’s not learning that comes first, it is usually unlearning. Because in order to change your patterns, in order to become an active listener and in order to enhance your presence, you need to rewire all the previous habits that you’ve had. And that’s pretty much what unlearning is about. When we unlearn something, this creates space for something new. You cannot take your clients where you haven’t gone yourself. This is not about career, titles or achievements, it’s about the inner shift that allows all those changes to happen.
When I talk about unlearning, I do not mean erasure of old patterns. Neuroscience shows that old neural pathways are rarely deleted. Instead, new pathways are created and they inhibit prior ones which means that your default behaviors remain available but they are no longer automatically deployed. Unlearning in this sense is not a loss but a maturation of practice, a gradual release of certainty, role-based identity and over-reliance on technique in service of presence and genuine responsiveness to the client.
Why Unlearning Matters in Coaching and Coach Training
You cannot really be done with either learning or unlearning. Many challenges coaching students explore in training, mentoring or supervision are rarely about not knowing what to do. Quite often, the opposite is true. Challenges arise from lack of unlearning. Coaches-in-training often try to add new skills on top of old habits of explaining, fixing, performing, giving advice or sometimes even controlling. Once the thoughts and attitudes that made those habits important for them are loosened or go away, unlearning happens and new collaborative, partnering behaviors become more natural and more organic.
Speaking of coaching or any other type of inner work, cognitive change alone is insufficient for effective unlearning. For example, in when you watched a coaching demo or when you read a book on coaching, it all sounded logical and effortless. But when you had to do it yourself for the first time, it felt weird and unfamiliar. I remember that I almost felt paralyzed during my first coaching session ever (as a coach). Even though I knew what coaching was and how it worked, it still felt off and I was completely lost.
Studies on behavior change consistently show that insight does not reliably alter behavior without emotional and experiential components. Clarity does not equal change. For all patterns to loosen, they must be reactivated in a context of sufficient emotional safety. Unlearning is a vulnerable process.
Accepting the need to unlearn means that you agree to follow a non-linear pattern as a coach. Behavioral change research shows that regression or relapse is a normal phase of change and not a failure. The habit of unlearning helps one develop humility. We accept that we never fully know what’s going to be the result of what we are doing, as coaches work with not knowing.
Questions to Reflect on Your Unlearning
- What was your most recent unlearning? What are you planning to unlearn next?
- What did you stop doing in sessions that actually made my coaching stronger?
- What part of your coaching identity has shifted in recent months and how?
- When did you resist unlearning and what were you protecting?
- What do you still overvalue in your coaching that may be ready to be unlearned?
- What would your coaching look like if you trusted unlearning even more?
This article is part of our ICF-aligned coach training resources for coaches developing coaching skills and professional coaching practice. It explores unlearning as a foundational process in coach training and ICF coach training, particularly for coaches working toward an ICF credential or deepening their coaching mindset beyond techniques.
The article is based on episode 20 of our Coaching with Confidence and Care podcast. If you enjoy podcasts and want to hear more professional insights and practical examples, you can listen to the full episode here: